Nobody in their right mind would mess around with photos and stumbling down the rabbit hole of reflection on a morning that is all about getting finished with a to-do list that seems to defy the scratches of my pen — the more I cross off, the more that appears, but then, I have never been in any danger of getting too closely acquainted with my right mind.
In fact, my thoughts right now are all about the not right or, as it were, the wrong.
I read this essay and it seems to be helping me. Maybe. Not sure. That’s why I am in here– trying to sort out my brain as I sort through the photos I took this morning. Taking photos calms me down. I take hundreds and nearly all of them suck ass– and you know what? It doesn’t bother me, at all. Like not. at. all. I can flip through bad shot after bad shot and it means absolutely nothing to me. They’re not mistakes — it’s not a reflection on my self-worth — they’re just photos that didn’t work.
I want to feel that way about everything I do, but I am not there yet. Case in point: next weekend. Oh my god, people– it’s like standing on the bow of the Titanic watching the iceberg come straight at you. Did I really schedule 100 people (who need to be welcomed and registered) to arrive at the precise same moment I need to be setting up a party for 500 at the very moment there is a class going on in the space I need to prep and all the while I need to be getting the other venue ready for the Art Fair including a never before offering of a VIP lounge?
Um, no. That wasn’t me. That was my crazy cousin Serena—
Maybe now you can understand why I am gravitating to a philosophy that says there’s something good about making mistakes because truth be told, I die a thousand deaths when I make mistakes. I really do. I read the below and I think– “savor my mistakes?!” — dude. You are on some seriously good drugs– and hey– why don’t you just give me some of that instead of trying to get me to untangle my mental wires and change my attitude about how I process mistakes?
“So when you make a mistake, you should learn to take a deep breath, grit your teeth, and then examine your own recollections of the mistake as ruthlessly and as dispassionately as you can manage. It’s not easy. The natural human reaction to making a mistake is embarrassment and anger (we are never angrier than when we are angry at ourselves), and you have to work hard to overcome these emotional reactions. Try to acquire the weird practice of savoring your mistakes, delighting in uncovering the strange quirks that led you astray.”
But, all my efforts at distraction— photos, scribbling — making offerings to the gods of smooth sailing— don’t seem to change that fact that I have seriously taken on too much this time and oh dear god– let’s just hope the magical spirits of the lake and woods slip in to help it all fall into place, somehow.
Somehow. Or not. Maybe it is destined to be a colossal failure and I get to have that life experience– boo-YAH!
Yes, I am stressed and I so don’t want to be. What keeps me together? That would be the healing boy: Henry. He of the soothing, soothing vibration that never fails to ground me.
This photo makes me so happy. I was trying to photograph a stem of white roses I was holding in my hand– but instead, I have this image of Henry’s shadow connecting with mine. And if there is a greater truth in my universe, I don’t know what it is.
If only I could mainline his calm, steady energy into my bloodstream. That, or stop making mistakes.
Yesterday I came across this quote from Olivia Wilde
All good experiences have come
from trusting the universe.
There is no other way to live or love.”
and somehow these two things are related for me– a relaxed, accepting approach to making mistakes and a choice to stop living in fear.
Because really, what is fear if not simply the resistance to making mistakes?
And on that note! Off I go— the weather is gorgeous. See you on the other side — oh, and if you have any angels with super timing powers who can magically merge multiple realities into perfect harmony– please do send them my way.