photo taken yesterday morning
And here it is, the post-launch crash.
Why don’t I simply put it on the calendar and plan for it, hmm? Why must I always be surprised by this empty gas tank instead of planning for it?
Who knows. All I know is yesterday was gorgeous. Simply flat-out spectacular. I had to drive down past the lake at about 3:30 and it just happened to be the most exquisite sunset I can ever remember seeing– just a BLASTING of orange and yellow light across the surface of the frozen water which made it pink. Of course I didn’t have my camera with me because I was running a stupid errand and was in a stupid headspace (see above: crash zone) so all I could do was slow the car down, pull along side the edge of the lake and breathe it in.
Honestly, I have lived here twenty years and it was one of the most incredible sunsets I have ever seen.
It was definitely the highlight of my day.
The thing is, when the crash comes in, there is no drama and excitement to it like you might imagine in a movie or television show. I don’t plunge headfirst into the sofa or head to local pub and drink til someone has to drive me home. No, there’s nothing, that’s the thing.
I wake up, beauty all around me– I get the day started– yesterday I happened to have a date with two friends (Hi Jen! hi Ally!) at Mocha Rizing* for coffee and knitting— but when I got home around 10 am, that’s when it all began to unravel.
For me, the crash is that I can’t sleep, I can’t read, I can’t cook, I can’t do anything. It’s like my battery just stops and there I am halfway across the room, mid-stride, and I need someone to come along and hook me up to the charger. Tin man, reaching for the oil can.
And it is so freaking predictable. It ALWAYS happens after a big creative push on ANY project I EVER do and I am hoping (hoping hoping hoping) that by writing this all out, my brain will record this and freaking PLAN for it next time so I won’t have to go through this again.
Honestly, when I say I am frozen and can’t do anything, breathing is the big challenge. Everything is an effort and it annoys me to no end.
Oh hell– I should just shut up because I was about to say it feels like being paralyzed by exhaustion when in the next moment I realized the horror of actually being paralyzed and how I don’t have the first inkling of true hell and holy god I need to SHUT UP.
To reiterate: I’m tired. Wah. Wah. Wah.
I think that about sums it up.
*P.S. Mocha Rizing is FOR SALE. So, if you know anyone who would love a fabulous coffee/art shop with a most beautiful apartment above it in a sweet little NH town– please DO pass the word on all your twitters and facebooks and stuff.