JOHN H DUVIVIER
2 September 1959 – 8 January 2021
Above is a photograph I took of my beloved older brother John on a family gathering weekend at Squam Lake sometime around 1995. It is a picture that sits on my bookshelf in the center of my home, a photo that I look at every day as I love how it captures so much about this beautiful man and his extraordinary spirit.
I am sharing it here with you as a week ago, John chose to end his life. I am shattered and I do not expect to have any clarity anytime soon, but, as John was an extrovert who received energy and vitality from connecting with people, a significant part of what contributed to John’s pain was the isolation and disconnection during these past months of the pandemic. I am, thus, determined to stay engaged with the world as I process this loss of my big brother who called me ‘darling Bethie.’
He was the gentlest, kindest, most pure soul
I have ever known and I can only hope to be half
the compassionate human that he was.
My younger brother called me on Sunday with the news and I drove down to my sister’s home outside Philadelphia that night. I’ve been here since. (Remy is in Providence staying with his best friend, Beau). My older sister joined us on Monday morning. On Tuesday we posted the news on John’s facebook page and the outpouring of love and notes from hundreds of people– each of whom had specific, important memories of their time with John that they wanted to share with us– has been overwhelming.
People that John went to elementary school with, high school, college, graduate school– people he worked with over the years– they all wrote in with passionate, meaningful recollections of how he had touched their life. Over and over people wrote about what a kind, compassionate man he was. They remembered his brilliant mind, his love of the Red Sox and his joy of being in the outdoors. They talked about his leadership, his laughter, his gentle way of being in the world.
While pursuing a PhD in Philosophy at Harvard, John created an outdoor program called FOP. It was designed to help incoming freshman get oriented, acclimated and to build a strong foundation of relationships that would support them during the rigors of their academic life. The program entailed that John led these students on extended hikes through the White Mountains of New Hampshire where they learned all sorts of things about themselves and the world at large.
John was, at heart, a philosopher– always trying to understand how to live well in this world.
Before he left Harvard, John wrote an essay that was published in the Harvard Crimson where he shared how profoundly challenging it is to experience mental illness in a world that has little understanding or openness to how debilitating it can be. You can read his essay HERE.
As anyone who knows me, I am no stranger to depression. (Squam was built upon my breakthrough experience of connecting with creatives and how healing that was for me– life saving, actually– and how I wanted to make that available for anyone else who needed a safe, welcoming place to be their full, tender selves). When I had a total nervous breakdown my senior year of college, John left Cambridge (at great risk to his own academic career) and came to the hospital where I was for six weeks and stayed with me, every day. He would sing to me, Let It Be. To this day, I cannot listen to this song without seeing him in front of me, trying to pull me back from the abyss. Which he did.
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be
Shinin’ until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
One of the fb comments that I really liked was from someone who knew John in high school and she wrote, “a tremendous loss for this world, a big win for the other side for sure.” John would laugh reading that. He had the most infectious laughter and for all of his intellectual brilliance, he loved silly jokes and cartoons.
My source of comfort in this time is knowing he deserves to feel absolute peace and joy and that was not available to him here. I trust he is wrapped in the most incredible vibration of love and light and feels all of us loving on him so hard.
He was too good for this world, but this world was so lucky to have him.
I could fill this page with a thousand stories of how he was the best big brother a girl could ever have because he was. I am beyond blessed to have had this spirit lighting my way. And, I will trust Saint Augustine who tells me, all is well.
Love Never Disappears
Love never disappears for death is a non-event.
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have, do not use a different tone, do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you; I am not here, but just on the other side of this path.
You see, all is well.
– Saint Augustine
I have space enough for both: acceptance and understanding for John’s choice to find relief from his torment and heartbreak that it had to be like this. He left this world peacefully, in sleep. I trust he is on the other side, vibrant, singing, surrounded by kindred spirits.
Below is the photograph that John used on fb as his image so I am sharing it since it clearly captured the magic of the simple life that he cherished so deeply: being outdoors, with a sweet dog and a good sandwich.
He is thirteen years old here with our grandmother’s dog, Pierre.
My heart goes out to you, your family and friends. Gentle hugs my friend
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I am sending you love and comfort and peace. I lost my father in the same way. I was 21, it has given me so much peace to have known he was loved and he was love. I wish the same for you and your family, Elizabeth. I believe that your brother loved you so much, and you him, that he will be with you always. I am so sad that you are going through this loss. With all my love.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dearest Elizabeth….my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved big brother…the depth of loss is unimaginable, and from your beautiful tribute an abiding love and admiration for him is evident.
Love embraces the tender and broken heart and I hope love holds you gently through your grief.
With compassion
Bridgemor.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I’m so very sorry for your loss, Elizabeth. I didn’t know your brother except through your words on this post. You told me about him so well and about your grief now. I hold you in my heart and wrap you in love as I’m sure all who know you are doing so, too. 🥰
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Thank you for sharing John with those of us who did not know him. Truly sorry for your loss. Sending love ❤️
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Oh Elizabeth, we are so sorry and sending you lots of hugs from your extended Meredith family xxxxxx
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Elizabeth, my heart breaks for you and your family. No words feel adequate to share… but know you are in my heart and prayers as I’m sure you are of many in the Squam community. Sending you peace and hoping you find some comfort in the gift of gathering with your siblings to cherish John and share his love for you all.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Elizabeth, I am so very sorry for this tremendous loss. I send so much love to you and your family as you grieve for your beautiful brother. May he Rest In Peace. I love you.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
This is so sad and yet so beautiful. What a meaningful tribute to John. I am sorry for your loss and hope you and the family can settle gently into the place that gives you the most peace about this. I am off to read the essay. Thank you for sharing your grief in such a way and inviting more exploration of someone who sounds like a wonderful person.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I am so terribly sorry, my dearest Bluestpoppy. What a tremendous loss. Your love for John shines through every word. Sending you and all who loved John love and hope that comfort will be near.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dearest Elizabeth, my heart breaks with yours…my deepest condolences to you.❤️
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I’m so so sorry to hear about your brother Elizabeth. I don’t think I ever met him but I know YOU loved him and I feel your sadness. I’m sending loving thoughts your way…I hope you can grab them!! Love love love
Gregma
Thank you, Gregma. You are so kind and thoughtful to reach out to me. and YES, I can feel all your big hugs and support. THANK you XO
Absolutely lovely, Bethie! John’s loved reading this from the other side, for sure! 🙂 I’m so sad and miss him. I can only imagine losing such a sweet and loving uncle, is small compared to losing such an amazing brother. I love you and am so here for you! A beautiful tribute to Uncle John. xoxoxo
Dear Duvivier family,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s tragic but I believe he’s at peace now. He was the nicest and truly caring gentleman you would ever find. We were classmates in high school. Although we weren’t close during those years, we reconnected at our high school reunions. We became close friends and we were able to stay connected with Facebook. He even friended my husband on Facebook. He loved his family and spoke of all of you often. I have 5 children and he said it was great that they had each other. He stated he was very close with his family! Great memories will get all of you through this. Please speak of him often. He’s listening from above, I’m sure of it!
If you have a service that we could attend, please let us know. Your family is in our prayers always.
Love, Donna McKee Heneks
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Donna we are hoping to celebrate John on his birthday next September– Labor Day weekend– in the Boston area– I will definitely post more when we know more. XO
Dear Elizabeth,
I am so sorry for your great loss. May you be held by the memories of your brother and the warmth of those that loved him too. Sending love to you and your family and all those who loved him. May he Rest In Peace and continue to be your guiding light…
Always,
Paula
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
This is a lovely heartfelt memorial for John. He was our class president at Penncrest, well chosen.
I remember connecting with him through FB while he still lived out west. He shared some awesome photos! Lived hisctime there, but needed back east.
It was always nice to see him at our hs reunions as he did have a special laugh above all others.
I’m so glad the family is finding comfort in our memories.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I am so sorry for your loss Elizabeth. Reading your description of John reminds me of another John – John O’Donoghue. Your John sounds like a similar person – a philosopher, an encourager, a soul who values connection and laughter. May they share a laugh together on the other side. Sending deep love to you, Fiona.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I met John once at your sister Michele’s house- what an intelligent and kind soul
Your post brings tears to my eyes. Pleas know that your family are in my hearts and prayers. I want to believe he’s at peace and It probably will be hardest for those of you who miss him on this earth.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Elizabeth, I am holding you in love and light. I am so sorry for your loss.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Oh Elizabeth. I am so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your memories and love for your dear brother. I’m sending so much love to you. Hugging you in my heart. Take care friend.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Thank you for your beautiful tribute to your brother. I appreciated reading his own writing, too–so ahead of his time with mental health awareness. I echo the commenter above who mentioned John O’Donohue. You may find comfort in his poem “On the Death of the Beloved.”
Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.
Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.
The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.
Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.
Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.
We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.
Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.
Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.
When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.
May you continue to inspire us:
To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.
John O’Donohue
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I am so sorry for your loss. Your whole family will be reeling from such sad news. You have written a beautiful celebration of John, and let us get to know him through you. My thoughts are with you.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
My heart is broken for you and your family. I am so sorry for your deep loss. I am sending you love and comfort. This was a beautiful tribute to, what sounds like, an amazing big brother. Take good care, Elizabeth.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Blessed be. xxx
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dearest Elizabeth,
I cannot imagine how painful it must be to lose someone as special as your brother John. Thank you for giving a glimpse of his beautiful soul; I pray that in remembering him, it helps keep him ever close. I am sending you and your family so much love, and holding you close in my heart.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Peace and love to you and your family.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dear Elizabeth, my heart breaks for your immense loss. Your brother was a shining light in so many lives. We are fumbling through such difficult times being cut off from each other. You and your family are in my thoughts. I wish I had better words. xxxxoo
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dearest Elizabeth –
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful portrait of the man he was.
So many thoughts and feelings, so few words.
May the universe hold you gently
much love
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Oh friend. My heart is aching for you and your family. Sending so much love to you all
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Dear Elizabeth,
My thoughts are with you as you move through this heartbreaking sadness and loss. Your beautiful words offer such a wonderful tribute to your brother…sounds like an amazing soul. Our family has been touched by suicide as well, and it left us feeling so helpless and confused, never truly understanding the reasons but hoping our loved one finally feels peace. I hope you and your family will be able to feel his love and presence around you daily. Sending you healing thoughts and much hope for comfort and peace in the days ahead.
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Elizabeth…may your heart be overflowing with the love of your brother. May he have the peace that was meant for him. I can’t imagine the pain, but to know he really is at peace. He sounds like simply an amazing, kind brother. Lucky you for having him in your life.
Fondly,
Marchell
THANK YOU thank you THANK you! Your kindness. and taking time to reach out to me like this, you need to know it VERY much helped me when I was in the midst of it all. THANK you. XO
Oh, my dear dear friend. I am sending you ALL MY LOVE. ❤️❤️❤️❤️💔
Thank you my sweet friend XO hope ALL is good in DC and life with your niece is joy joy joy. XO
Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you and your family. I am so sad that he moved on but I am happy that you had such a wonderful big brother.
Thank you, Cory!!! yes and yes. 🙂
Oh Elizabeth! I’ve just seen this. I barely know what to say … The pain for you and your family must be unimaginable. I’m so, so sorry to hear this tragic news and can only hope you’re managing – somehow – to navigate this. What a wonderful man he sounds – your words paint such a beautiful picture. There is just no sense in loss like this.
There are no words to say how sorry I am to hear this. I knew John at Swarthmore. We overlapped by one year and I never forgot him. I’ve been looking over old correspondence on a visit from London and found letters and photos he sent me after he went to Harvard, and I found this news by looking online. His star shone brighter. He was special.
Hello Guida! oh you are so lovely— thank you for your kind words and sharing your love of John with me. He WAS special and I love that the two of you got to connect. Sending you all best always, Elizabeth