inside out

Oh my gosh– did I just leave you out there– for days on end– buried in snow?
Stuck up to your waist in snow?
Surrounded by mounds and pounds and piles and miles of snow?

I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like.

Today, we’ll try to keep the focus to the interior, yes?
Because, as you might imagine– nothing outside has changed.

However, on the inside? Boy howdy. We got change like Madonna backstage in her dressing room reaching for her fifth costume of the night. Although this new blog of mine may seem quite oblique– bland– lacking in the poignant first-world agonies so present in my previous bloggy incarnation, I am starting to see this is a phase– a wide expanse of open terrain that resembles what maybe a moonscape or the flats of North Dakota might look like.

The transitions and transformations going on inside of me are huge. And I do not use the word ‘huge’ lightly. The changes going on within my personality, psyche, soul– whatever you want to call it, god knows I have no idea what to call it– are radical, profound and, for lack of a more sterling vocabulary, huge.

I am beginning to understand that this gray void I have been traveling through where on the surface I have little to say that is either interesting or entertaining– is changing the course of my life. It’s not so much that I am going to be a different person on the other side of this stage of the journey, as much as it is that I am going to be fully myself as I have never been before. A vision that used to evoke something like terror in me and send me reeling backwards to the known, to the safe, to the comfort of whatever shells, masks, furs and layers I had assembled around me over the years.

Now– I am ready to own the fullness of what makes me, me– without the need to slap on trappings of what I think I should be like, or, worse– what I think someone else wants/needs to see in me.

(okay, this is me just in from a walk–
that is SNOW in my hair and I am not shiny with sweat–no, that is me dripping wet from snow

Maybe this is what it means to get old?

I have no idea. What I do know is that this is all far more simple than I ever could have imagined– and far more complicated than my pea brain will ever comprehend.

It is as simple as clicking your heels, wearing the shoes you already had on. It is as complicated as jumping off a cliff without knowing who or what is going to catch you.

But I am a’going, my friends– I have clicked my heels, I have leapt into the void and there will be a landing— and I am starting to understand that the landing is gonna be sweet.

Bisous, E