Pretty much sums me up in general, though.
I got dehydrated during SAW and it really knocked me out last week. Normally, I drink about 2 bottles of water an hour during SAW– I know, crazy, right? But I do. I can put back half a bottle in one sip— it’s a very weird time for me physically, but I have learned to drink water pretty much constantly. It’s not that I am doing so much physically, but somehow I am giving off an enormous amount of energy and I need about ten times the amount of water I would regularly consume on a regular day.
This has never been a problem for me, except this past session, I lost track of the bottle and then shrugged it off and by Saturday realized I was dehydrated in a major way and it was too late to fix– blah.
On the bright side, it puts me in complete alignment with the trees all around me as there as been nothing but sunshine all summer so the poor babes are turning leaf about three weeks early. The ground is parched (hence the reason my well went dry– which, in case you are concerned– is all fine and was back on line the same day) and the scarlet – persimmon – gold lamplight is lit. It was another amazing gathering– quite honestly, the best ever, but I can’t help but to laugh as people send me the most loving emails that repeat the same two wishes over and over: “I hope you are resting and basking . . .”
Uh, yeah– not so much. The week after a SAW session is actually the hardest time for me. It is a huge clean-up aftermath– and add to that a truck and carload of boxes to UPS and the post office. (How many boxes? I don’t know– but I know the total shipping was over $800 . .so let’s just say, a lot). It’s schlep, schelp, schelp — all the while I have to keep my head screwed on straight enough to write 22 or so checks of some whopping figures and let’s just say, add in a bit of dehydration and the only rest we’re doing is the faceplant-into-your-supper-kind of rest.
As for basking, alas– that is not mine to have. You see, I don’t have the experience everyone else has. I am a witness to it, but there’s a plate glass window between me and what I am observing. Instead of basking, what follows for me a sucking vacuum— and I hold my ground in the face of the screaming winds trying to pull me backwards, but it is a time where insecurities and fears can swirl and pummel around me. I know enough to simply watch them and not feed them– but it’s like that 2am demon time– you know? When you’re lying in bed and everything seems awful but then when the morning comes you realize it was just your vulnerability to the 2am demons due to exhaustion, etc.
For me, SAW is a time of over-exposure. I have to be on stage. I have to make announcements at pretty much every meal. I am a focal point– that’s my role. But for this introvert, it can send me running for cover and a need to get very quiet and very still. Which I am trying to do– but it wasn’t last week.
Don’t misunderstand. I am nobody’s martyr, nobody’s saint. I am simply trying to keep it real– which is why I have this site. I like to come and spill and chat and share with you all how it truly feels. Not how it looks like it feels, or should feel, etc–
Where I will get my comfort is in a few months– when I can come back to this page and read slowly, read carefully, savor what people have shared. Then, is when it will be able to become real for me. Then, is when I will be able to see what was wrought. And that is what gives me the momentum to launch a whole new year for 2011. Because right now? If someone gave me a gas card and the keys to a VW Westfalia– I would be so gone. Perhaps not surfacing for years.
Today is all about cleaning– my apartment is a tip, which is a lovely, British way of saying floors covered in dog hair, sand and dirt.
I know there has been a dearth of brombie photos— I shall remedy that forthwith. Meantime, a new season has begun. Are you ready for it? I am not. I want endless Summer. I’ve never had seasonal affective disorder, but my god, I am clinging to summer with both hands. If there were a way for me to have a sumer residence here and a winter residence elsewhere where it is warm and sunny– oh me oh my-oh.