am liking the gray

We all know how much I love Jeanine’s photos, but this post she wrote recently as she settles into her new life with Joe in England as ::husband and wife:: was simply perfect. (::woot woot woot to the rooty toot toot– if you did not follow their 3 year love story that she has chronicled online– well, better than any romance novel you will ever read– get to it!)

I want to tell you that I say these words today
and may need to be reminded of them tomorrow.
Such is life. Sometimes, you are the beacon.
Other times, you get lost in the darkness
and need someone else to shine some light on you.

Late yesterday afternoon I opened the front door to find the sweetest package on my porch: it held the first issue of Taproot and people? Oh my— so good. So seriously good. I don’t ever recommend things outright because I know we are all so different and what may be a delicious fit for my needs could very well trigger your allergies– but in this case, I honestly feel you should check it out. It’s that good.

Not only does it feel good in your hands– beautifully made– but the focus of its articles– how it weaves together questions and explorations of how to nurture a satisfying life, well– all I can say is, I highly recommend it. It was a true pleasure to sit down with it and read from cover to cover. I know you may think I am biased because I happen to know Amanda and think she is pretty fabulous, and you are certainly welcome to believe that– but I tell you, I think, objectively, that it is one of the finest publications to roll out recently and it promises to grow even more beautiful in future issues– I can feel it– and I would feel remiss if I did not share that with you.

Today is Sunday and I am savoring it for the soft gray morning that it is. I slept in later than normal– instead of doing our big walk here in the neighborhood, I tossed the dogs in the back of the car* and headed out to the wide expanse of fields at the farm.

When I first arrived I felt apprehensive because there were quite a number of cars and usually I go in the off-hours– I worried that the “dog police” might be around, I worried that there would be people who might not appreciate my dogs off leash– in short, I created a whole little hot buzz in my head.

In fact, even as Daisy was racing by me and doing huge, happy loops in the field– her face the picture of joy– I kept glancing about and saw a female figure in red walking the edges of the field. Was she the police in disguise? She had no dogs with her– that made me suspicious. It felt like she kept sort of following us– so I went way wide to the edges. When the dogs pooped I made a very large show of taking out my doggy bags and picking it up like a model citizen— gestures so dramatic had I been on stage the peanut gallery could not fail to understand– we get it, you picked up your dogs’ poop. Of course, there were no people anywhere in sight to enjoy my performance, but you never know– there could be secret dog police in the bushes waiting to jump out and bust my ass.

When we reached the pond there were probably 10-12 humans and about the same number of dogs. As always, a range of types, sweet St. Bernard puppy bounding, small pair of white yorkshire terriers with crisp haircuts and matching knitted vests yipping about and letting everyone know who was boss, and a whole host of motley crew which welcomed my two mutts. People were friendly. All the dogs were off-leash and having fun.

Later, as we walked down through one of the far back fields, I saw the figure in the red jacket coming toward us. Not really anywhere to go so I hoisted the leashes that I held in my hand as if to say, they’re here at the ready. And then, I thought– wait, what if she is just out for a walk. What if she isn’t mad at me or my dogs– what if I just say, “good morning?”

And so I did.

And she smiled and said, “lovely dogs.”

Why, oh why do I create fear where none exists? When will I learn that a fearful stance is simply a learned behavior that needs to be released?

A couple days ago I read Marie Manuchehri‘s new book Intuitive Self-Healing which led me to this,

fear tells me, “I want to make you safe.”
love says, “you are safe.

Back again to that whole choosing love not fear, yeah, I’m working on it . .

bisous, e

*okay, so my niece Lauren who is exceedingly soft-spoken and pretty tolerant in all things has made it clear that my car, “smells like dog.” I’m thinking it has to do with the big blanket in the back that they jump on wet from walks in the woods, the ponds, the ocean . . so, time for me to give that poor car a deep cleaning– I think that’s gonna be my spring cleaning focus . . hmm, right after I get the laundry done . .